Cheyanne (on seeing an old friend): “And he was like, do you remember me? And I was like, of course I do! You used to be fat!”

Me: “Cheyanne!”

Cheyanne: “What, Gaby? He knows he was fat!”

—

Dad’s friend: “Your hair is so blonde now, Chey, but when you were younger your hair was darker.”

Cheyanne: (slowly inching away from the table) “THE JIG IS UP. ABORT. ABORT.”

—

Dad: “May God bless you and make you like Sara, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.”

Cheyanne: “And Kim Kardashian.”

Me: “And Tina Fey.”

Dad: “Amen.”

—

Cheyanne: “The only way I’d marry into the Bush family is if it’s Reggie Bush.”

—

Cheyanne: “I want to get my tubes tied.”

Me: “Me too.”

Cheyanne: “Do you think they do 2-for-1s?”

—

Cheyanne: “One time I saw two dwarfs dancing together at the club and I started crying because I was so happy for them, because they had like, found each other, you know? And then I had to go home.”

—

Watching Harry Potter on Demand:

Me: “Ew, Voldemort’s teeth!”

Cheyanne: “Gaby, I don’t think being a Dark Lord comes with health insurance.”

—

Cheyanne (seeing Hagrid): “I don’t really like giants. I only like midgets.”