“I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thiiiiing,” Hot Chocolate once sang, but sadly, that’s not the ‘Miracle’ song the Maccabeats chose to cover this holiday season.
YOU GUYS: My email inbox has been blowing up. It seems the people want me to comment on the new Maccabeats video pretty badly. On Twitter, I called ‘Miracle’ (the Matisyahu version) the group’s ‘Back 2 Basics’ ala Christina Aguilera — they’re going back to what they do best, reminiscent of their start. It’s simple, fresh, yet somehow still exciting. I like it, but I don’t have a whole bunch to say about it OTHER THAN:
MY NEW FAVORITE MACCABEAT IS THE STAR KIND OF.
Look, I can pretty much assume at this point that any Maccabeat soloist I highlight will become the star of the next Maccabeats video. It’s a gift I have — and with great power comes great jew-sponsibility.
Here is my new favorite. I call him Young Maccabeat or Lil’ Beat. Sometimes I make a typo and spell Maccabeats as “Maccabears,” so in my head, he’s like a little Maccabear cub. A Baby Beat. WHERE DID HE COME FROM? GUYS I LOVE HIM. HIS SMILE IS LIKE MARSHMELLOWS. I WANT TO ADOPT HIS WHOLE FAMILY.
THREE THINGS BABY BEAT AND I COULD DO IF WE HUNG OUT:
3. We could watch a cute, non-threatening movie like ‘Definitely, Maybe’ or ‘Gentlemen Prefer Blondes’ and not cuddle.
2. We could get virgin daquiris and I could talk all about my boy troubles while he sympathetically listens and only says, “Oh my god, I know” after everything I say, or compliments my H&M scarf.
1. We could go look at puppies in the window of shops and I could take a bunch of Instagram pics of him next to a fluffy dog with Facebook captions like ‘OMG CUTE OVERLOAD WHAAAT.’
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Here’s a haiku for him:
Baby beat, Lil cub / Are you a freshman? Think so / Legal right? Jail would suck
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Further comments:
MAYIM BIALIK, LUV U BB GIRL. CUTE KIDDOS
Extra Extra! Uri has too many Newsie caps. Read all about it. <3 <3
Immanuel (deep voice!), Shefa, Ginger Jew, astronaut who I forget your name and who was the other deserving star of this video and the usual dudes, sorry if this post “ages you out” in favor of a younger ‘beat. You’re all still MILFs to me. (The “M” stands for Maccabeats.)
Other soloists who I know I haven’t given any love to in these posts: Please know I have dirty thoughts about you too. Know it in your hearts.
OKAY I’M SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A BOOK, and instead I wrote this. No more videos until my book comes out.
Also, seriously, do I believe in miracles? Sure do, guys. SURE. DO.
Byeeeeee.
• Conducting an avant-garde orchestra of your fellow patrons’ clicking utensils
• Painting a mural in an earthquake
• Shaking old skin cells off your hand
• Autographing the air
• Ringing the dinner bell for your five prairie children
• Lining up three floating thimbles
• Giving a terrible handjob to a tall guy
• Strangling a mosquito
• Airing out a tiny sweater
• Waving an invisible handkerchief at a departing train
• Applying mascara to a kangaroo
