Hey guys! First: read this really well-done and parsed out Mashable article about SOPA (I know if you’re reading this you didn’t black out your blog, but you can still sign a petition and make your opposition known.)

Next! Let’s love Internet freedom with the next episode of ‘Why Are We Not Best Friends?,’ my UStream show. (Note: Not connected to SOPA in any way! But we’ll talk about it for sure - important issue, how could we not?)

My guest today at 5 pm EST is HelloGiggles writer and comedian Meghan O’Keefe.

GO HERE THEN AND WATCH.

Wikipedia’s down. What the hell else are you supposed to do? (Scary, right? OPPOSE SOPA.)

Cheyanne (on seeing an old friend): “And he was like, do you remember me? And I was like, of course I do! You used to be fat!”

Me: “Cheyanne!”

Cheyanne: “What, Gaby? He knows he was fat!”

—

Dad’s friend: “Your hair is so blonde now, Chey, but when you were younger your hair was darker.”

Cheyanne: (slowly inching away from the table) “THE JIG IS UP. ABORT. ABORT.”

—

Dad: “May God bless you and make you like Sara, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.”

Cheyanne: “And Kim Kardashian.”

Me: “And Tina Fey.”

Dad: “Amen.”

—

Cheyanne: “The only way I’d marry into the Bush family is if it’s Reggie Bush.”

—

Cheyanne: “I want to get my tubes tied.”

Me: “Me too.”

Cheyanne: “Do you think they do 2-for-1s?”

—

Cheyanne: “One time I saw two dwarfs dancing together at the club and I started crying because I was so happy for them, because they had like, found each other, you know? And then I had to go home.”

—

Watching Harry Potter on Demand:

Me: “Ew, Voldemort’s teeth!”

Cheyanne: “Gaby, I don’t think being a Dark Lord comes with health insurance.”

—

Cheyanne (seeing Hagrid): “I don’t really like giants. I only like midgets.”

Josh is an amazing human being and a hilarious comedian. This is his debut CD. If you buy it, you will laugh your butt off.

Let me know if you get it and like it!

An Open Letter to Brad Pitt From the ‘Moneyball’ Props Department

I don’t know if all this prop destruction was written into Aaron Sorkin’s script (with lines like [Billy Beane hears Art Howe isn’t going to put wildcard Scott Hatteberg in for Carlos Pena at first base and in a muted rage, he overturns his desk, destroying the prop department’s six weeks of work getting all the details right]) or if we’ve got Bennet Miller’s haphazard directing to blame. Either way, the tally of props you destroyed during filming was too high for a movie that wasn’t about destruction like 2012 or Cloverfield or Independence Day.

I wrote this tongue-in-cheek letter for Movies.com and no one gets that it’s a joke! Hurray!

• Conducting an avant-garde orchestra of your fellow patrons’ clicking utensils

• Painting a mural in an earthquake

• Shaking old skin cells off your hand

• Autographing the air

• Ringing the dinner bell for your five prairie children

• Lining up three floating thimbles

• Giving a terrible handjob to a tall guy

• Strangling a mosquito

• Airing out a tiny sweater

• Waving an invisible handkerchief at a departing train

• Applying mascara to a kangaroo

Gonzalo attempts comforting me.

10. “Oh! Uh, hi! No, uh, I had no idea you’d be at this party too! I came with my friend Shannon. Well, actually uh, Shannon knows the host who’s in a Level 2 improv class with my roommate who walks dogs with Brent from 6H and I just sort of tagged along last minute, no big deal, super casually. I had NO idea you’d be here. I had like, 15 other things to do but then I sorta just felt like being at a house thing rather than a bar thing and anyway, I had no idea you’d be here! I didn’t even check the Facebook invite at all so I had no idea you were coming to this. What are you doing here?!”

9. “You can’t just message someone you think you’d enjoy talking to without a made-up, totally transparent reason! And you definitely can’t just be all, ‘Hey, I really liked talking to you. Let’s talk some more.’ THAT’D BE CRAZY.”

8. “Do you think their last tweet was just a tweet to everyone or like, some kind of cryptic subliminal message encoded to say ‘I want to do you?’ I should probably just see if they tweeted again. It’s already been five minutes.”

7. “It’s like, how fucking hard is it to have a relationship status filled out?!”

6. “Whatever movie you haven’t seen is actually a movie I’ve been DYING to see. Oh my gosh, if I don’t see it with you, I might NEVER see it. I mean, it’s practically irrelevant if you’re there or not but oh, looks like it’s only playing at the theater near your apartment at just around when you get off work if you’d wanna come. But like, whatever.”

5. “He has an amazing smile and his hair smelled like flowers from the 1970s and even I don’t know what that means.”

4. “What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry. I was spacing out a bit because I was just thinking about how ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ is really a metaphor for humanity’s collective reluctance to grow up. We’re the children in the rye, waiting to be caught so we don’t have to face the loss of our own fragile innocence. That’s all. Oh? That’s your favorite book? Crazy!”

3. “Hold on, I’m texting my friend [typing] ‘Hai biotch, wuz upppp???’ And now I’m texting my crush. It’s gonna take a few minutes because I’ll be spell-checking my own name 50 times.”

2. “You know, I can actually kind of see how Taylor Swift has some good songs…”

1. “Oh, why am I laughing? I was just thinking how funny it would be if we made out, like as a joke. It’d be so funny right? Just like, blah, tongues touching. HA HA HA HA HA. What? Why would it be funny? It would just be like….a joke…which is how I’m taking it too. HA HA HA HA HA. I’m not crying.”

KOL ISH - Passover song parody “I Had Chametz” (I Just Had Sex)

I say these guys and the Maccabeats have a big wrestling match in charoset to determine whose holiday parody is best.

What???

I have been laughing out loud at my desk for an hour. My college comedy troupe takes on Human Centipede: The Musical. It is fucking hilarious and you’re a chump if you don’t watch it. LOL FOREVER. I love you fucked up beautiful creatures.

Hello again, Jews.

We come to another wonderful holiday on our lunar calendar. This one, for all you gentile bosses out there, is actually real. (Unlike Sukkot, which NEWSFLASH we’ve been collectively faking for like, years. Really? You think we live in huts for a week?! Ya’ll goys make it so easy.)

So yes! Passover is real and it is coming. Now, any holiday that calls for 4 glasses of wine seems baller status and believe 12-year-old me with her head in the toilet, it is.

But Passover is also super long. Way too long. At the seder, you have to read the whole Haggadah, which I’m pretty sure was written by J.R.R. Tolkien as a prequel to ‘The Hobbit,’ that’s how friggin’ long it is. (I almost said ‘The Silmarillion’ for street cred, but I’m a nerd for all mankind, like Seven jeans.*) (*Not like Seven jeans.)

There’s also this mysterious little plate at the center of it all. The seder plate is beautifully decorated and has just a dab of each of the six important Passover foods on it in little clumps. While this may look normal to fashion models or the toothless, all six little scoops represent a different aspect of the holiday.

Last week, on JetBlue, my fuck-you-Southwest TV screen fell upon a show called ‘Jersey Shore.’ I am not a regular viewer, because I have hopes and dreams, but as stupid as the show is, watching just two episodes led me to actually care about some of the characters. I didn’t want to, but suddenly I had opinions like, “Snooki is pretty funny” and “Ronnie needs to drop Sammi like she’s an elephant and he’s a US army jet.”

So, to honor the show’s finale and like, some Jews leaving Egypt under so much duress they had to make bagel chips on their backs (that’s right, isn’t it?), I give you AN EXPLANATION OF THE SEDER PLATE USING THE CAST OF THE JERSEY SHORE.

——

MAROR (BITTER HERBS) : RONNIE AND SAMMI

Does this even need to be explained? The “maror” is a bitter herb that is painful to eat. It symbolizes the bitterness and harshness of the slavery the Jews faced in Egypt. It is meant to remind us of bad times and how our lives are so much better now that we can play Angry Birds and eat cupcakes in peace. USA! USA! So too does watching Ronnie and Sammi’s horribly destructive relationship unfold on screen make us so happy we’re not them. Being single isn’t so bad when your other option is swallowing a mouthful of horseradish. (Note: There is another bitter herb on the seder plate, but it’s less important. Let’s just pretend those are grenades or Angelina or something.)

THE CHAROSET : SNOOKI

Charoset is everyone’s favorite food on the seder plate. Everyone. It’s a yummy mash-up of cinnamon, apples, nuts and wine. It is everything you love and it cures all that ails ya. Did I mention it’s a delicious food literally filled with wine? Snooki, too, is filled with alcohol and because of this, she’s often the best part of any given episode. Charoset is the part of the seder plate running down the beach in a tight baseball uniform screaming hilarious one-liners about dicks. And you can’t help but gobble her up.

KARPAS : JWOWW

JWoww (aka Jenny) has been through it this season, and the karpas on the seder plate symbolizes going through some serious shit. Karpas, a green vegetable that is often parsley or celery, is dipped in saltwater to represent the tears of the Jews suffering as slaves in Egypt. And JWoww’s definitely suffered: her ex-boyfriend stole money and furniture from her, she can’t get along with crazy Sammi and her body’s been under the knife so many times you know her boobies are crying out in silicone-induced labor behind the ball-gag that is her bra. We’ll pour one out for you, Jenny — a dish of saltwater from your implants that is.

SHANKBONE : PAULY D

The shankbone symbolizes the meat sacrifices done in the ancient temple that were roasted and eaten in praise of God. On the seder plate, it is often a chicken wing or something else delicious, but it is never to be eaten during the Passover meal. This is Pauly D. While many of the girls in the Jersey Shore house agree that Pauly is mega-super foxy with his helmet of spiked hair and his unnaturally brown skin, none of them have managed to nail him down. “Never fall in love at a Passover seder,” Pauly says. Or something like that.

THE EGG : VINNY

The egg on the seder plate symbolizes rebirth, the circle of life and the sacrifices made at the ancient temple. Unlike his counterparts, Vinny has hooked up with a couple of girls in the house, even getting with one of Snooki’s best friends right after she confesses her love for him. But ain’t that the circle of the shore? The egg is eaten by everyone at the seder and in a way, it also symbolizes mourning. Snooki mourns her “watermelon in a pinhole” hook-up with Vinny - and then, she moves on.

THE SEDER PLATE : MIKE “THE SITUATION”

Not to be forgotten, “The Situation” aka Mike is most compatible with the actual seder plate itself. Mike is friends with everyone in the house and never seems to have trouble with anyone. He doesn’t take himself too seriously and he’s the foundation holding everyone together. Plus, his stomach is hard like matzah (the flat crackers eaten at the seder) and his dedication to fighting off grenades and making sure everybody has a good time is admirable. Jews should have that same dedication to well, Judaism. There is, after all, just as much drinking involved.