The Different Internet K-Holes There Are
by Gaby Dunn via Thought Catalog
“Tumblr Shame Spiral
TSS — Tumblr Shame Spiral (not Toxic Shock Syndrome) — is the one Internet k-hole I’m most susceptible to. If I were Rivers Cuomo, Tumblr would be my frail Japanese cellist. I am obsessed. But I made the mistake, in the beginning when I first signed up for the site, of following back everyone who followed me — rather than just following blogs that posted about my interests. So now, my dashboard is a diverse splattering of sh-t I might not necessarily care about.
It starts off innocently enough. Maybe I’ll see a photo of a hot guy and wonder what show he’s from or someone will post a funny quote and I’ll be curious about who said it. So I click through. Once I find out, I think it wouldn’t hurt to type their name into the search sidebar and see what else I can find out about them.
In a flash, it’s six hours later and I know the words to all of One Direction’s songs and I hate Finchel and I think bowties are cool and I want Sherlock to shag the bejesus out of John Watson. I look out my window at the people having fun on the city streets and I pity them.”
Mike O’Brien Would Like to Kiss You
Photo: Aliya Naumoff for The New York Times
The news is out. I’m a new New York Times Magazine columnist. I write about Internet celebrities. It’s called ‘Famous on the Internet.’ Oh boy.
Name: Sara Faith Alterman
Age: 30
Hometown: Boston girl living in San Francisco
Q. Where did the idea for Virgin Ears come from?
A. Virgin Ears is a collection of stories about the songs people associate with early physical experiences, from first slow dances to first kisses to first sex. I’ve felt an intense connection to music since I was a child. Both of my parents are musicians, my brother is a musician, I started studying piano when I was 3 and voice when I was 14 — music has always been a huge part of my life, which is why I think that I have so many strong memories that are somehow related to particular songs.
My own story about how I lost my virginity is one of my favorite stories in general to tell, because the punchline involves a Metallica song, and who doesn’t love a good James Hetfield reference? The last time I told it in a group, I started thinking about other songs that evoke strong memories for me, and I realized that I have kind of a soundtrack in my brain for many of those pivotal first moments. I started asking around to see if this was unique to me and, as it turns out, most of my friends had hilarious and heartwarming stories about the musical backdrops to their own first times. I wanted to build a community for others to share their stories.
Q. Where do most of your submissions come from? Can anyone contribute?
A. I’m always looking for contributions! I get a lot of emails from people that say things like, “I have a funny story, but I’m a terrible writer. Can I still send you my story?” The answer is YES. I’m not trying to win some kind of pretentious journalism award, here. Send me bullet points, send me a video or audio recording of you telling your story, send me a comic book. The world wants to laugh with you about the time you made out on the Nordic Track in your parents’ basement while listening to Creed. Readers will be too busy peeing their pants to notice that you’re not Jonathan Franzen. Of course, Jonathan Franzen, if you want to contribute a story, then I might have elevated expectations for you.
I’ve posted a few stories of my own and a few stories from friends, but I do get a lot of submissions from random readers. I tried posting a call for submissions on Craigs List, but apparently any “adult” content is a big no-no for them now. Which is ridiculous. The whole point of Virgin Ears is to create a destination for sex-positive content. I’m not trying to lure information from people so that I can exploit them. (Sorry, Craigs List. I do appreciate your apartment listings.)
What’s important for would-be contributors to remember is that I understand that some people are shy. Just because I’m comfortable heralding every random and gratuitous detail about my personal life (sorry Mom) doesn’t mean that you have to be. Contributors are welcome to be identified however they want to be, whether that means by first name only, or even completely anonymously. Or hell, if you want first and last name and a link to your website, that’s fine too.
Q. Losing your virginity can be a personal and embarrassing topic to share, especially in writing and especially on the Internet. Did you have any qualms or have any writers you’ve approached had qualms? Or is that part of the appeal of writing about virginity?
A. Again, I try to be as supportive of and discreet about my contributors as possible. I’ve sort of built my career on sharing personal details about myself, but I am hyper-aware about protecting the privacy of others. I never use real names, and I’ve historically gotten the permission of people I write about, which includes sending awkward “Hey, um, do you mind if I?…” e-mails to ex-boyfriends. If sharing your own story on Virgin Ears seems compelling, but you’re afraid that someone you know will read it and have a massive freak out, you can contribute anonymously.
Q. How important, in your opinion, is good music to a good first time?
A. I remember feeling much more comfortable with the whole, “Holy shit, I’m about to DO IT!” feeling because we were listening to music that I loved. I think most people will agree that great music has the ability to make you feel happy and powerful and motivated to do amazing things. Who doesn’t want to feel that way when they make out or have sex, particularly for the first time?
Q. What’s the worst song you can think of for a person to lose their virginity to?
A. Right off the bat, I’d say anything by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. For the most part, though, I suppose the musical choices depends on the people, and on the situation. For me, listening to old school Metallica made perfect sense. For people not into metal hair and sweet guitar riffs and songs about the failures of Christian Science, that’s probably not going to create special memories. In general, you want to pick music that makes you feel good, and that won’t ever become a karaoke standard. And won’t make you want to beat your head against the wall five years later. Right after the movie Titanic came out, I was asked to sing “My Heart Will Go On” at a friend’s wedding, for her first dance. I talked her out of it. I’d like to think that she has a better marriage because of it.
Q. What’s the best song you’ve heard someone else (or you yourself) has had as a sexual soundtrack?
A. Just today, I posted a story about a guy who lost his virginity in a car while listening to a techo remix of the Speed Racer theme song. Just based on irony alone, it’s thus far my favorite. It made me want to build a time machine and do the whole thing over again. Not with him. But while listening to that song.
Q. As a writer, do you find what you’re listening to influences what you’re writing about or how inspired you are?
A. Choosing music to work to is like choosing music to have sex to; you have to ask yourself if you want something relaxing and sensual, or if you just want to power through while you’re bobbing your head up and down. I’m sort of a “method” writer, in the way that some actors are “method” actors; when I’m working on a piece, I like to actually experience relevant emotions. If I’m writing about something poignant or nostalgic, I’ll listen to artists like Imogen Heap or The Decemberists or Camera Obscura, whose songs help me get into a particular mind frame. If I’m writing a humor piece, I like to listen to more upbeat and playful music, usually pop. A few years ago, I wrote a piece for The Boston Phoenix about up and coming opera singers, and I must have listened to the Queen of the Night’s aria from The Magic Flute about a hundred times.
And, frankly, nothing wrong with a little Lady Gaga when you’re trying to meet a deadline. It’s helpful to be able to tell myself, “That hot and crazy beast managed to pull off a dress made out of meat. All you have to do is write 300 words in the next 20 minutes.” It’s a nice motivator.
Check out VirginEars.com and follow SFA on twitter here.
