So Newsweek published an article today about how tired “phony” girl-on-girl kissing is, which is a topic that wouldn’t be out of place on this blog.

However, reading the article, I actually found myself wholeheartedly DISAGREEING with its author, Jessica Bennett.

That’s right. I’m going to argue that straight girls kissing isn’t omgtheworstthingever! Here goes:

Bennett claims that Sandra Bullock, going through a pretty public and terrible marital trainwreck, only kissed fellow actress Scarlett Johansson on the lips during the MTV Movie Awards to divert attention from her divorce.

The Bullock/Johansson smooch didn’t offend me in the slightest — either because god forbid, the children watching MTV late at night be exposed to such filth (which, PS: when I was a kid, if you watched MTV at night, you saw Beavis & Butthead so….) or because as a lady who dines with other ladies on occasion I am particularly bothered when straight people kiss each other for funsies. (How would I have ever gotten through college then?)

Bennett also incorrectly ropes Lindsay Lohan in with faux-straight girls playing lesbian which is patently offensive to bisexuals (where I firmly believe Lohan rightly identifies).

Aside from that basic untruth, she also says that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning hooking up in ‘The Runaways’ was played out. Uh, that was in a script…in which they were acting…Stewart as a real-life character (Joan Jett) who IS a lesbian and Fanning as a real-life character (Cherie Currie) who IS bisexual. I see no “faux” about that unless everyone who is acting is just being a big old phoney.

By that logic: HOW DARE JAKE GYLLENHAAL, A (PRESUMABLY) STRAIGHT GUY KISS HEATH LEDGER IN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? We know they’re straight! We know gay dudes and women who like dudes kissing (aka My people, what up? High five!) are totes gonna get off on it being two straights touching tongues! What fakers! (Uh, actors?)

So basically, Jessica Bennett, most of your examples (including Miley kissing a female dancer, which didn’t even really happen) are shoddy but I get that you’re trying to build to a point and need to add relevance to your article. I wish you’d do it with facts though, sorry?

Oh, but then you say that girl-on-girl kissing is okay when it’s political citing Willow and Tara from ‘Buffy.’ OH OKAY. The actress who played Willow, Alyson Hannigan, has babies with her husband right now. So that kiss is invalidated. Plus, you try to argue that there was no prurient interest in Willow/Tara making out which is just ….incorrect, son. (I’m sure there are guys who can attest to this out there.)

But the straight-girl lip lock isn’t even shocking anymore. It’s cheap, it’s staged, it’s boring—a sad attempt to please the men who are watching. It’s the modern-day version of the low-cut dress, but taking the cleavage one step further to please the boys.

Right. The ONLY reason two straight women would ever kiss is to please guys. You’re not making any distinction between two drunk high school-ers kissing at a party while a bro-dude jerks off and two grown women on a public platform whose motivations you don’t personally know.

You know what? Shit on the Britney/Madonna lip-lock all you want but for a middle school girl struggling with her sexuality, seeing even a hint of something like that on television actually kind of helped. If girl-on-girl kissing has become boring now, then thank god and I hope there’s more of it all over the place.

I hope it becomes so commonplace that slurs aren’t yelled when women kiss their girlfriends in public. I hope it becomes so passe and boring that they’re allowed to do it at an altar. Visibility — and causing an act to become tired — is not a bad thing in this case.

Newsweek also says Bullock, who is 45, should be “humiliated” by acting this way. Dude, I hated ‘The Blind Side’ and I don’t particularly care for Bullock, but since when did age mean a girl can’t have any fun? She’s been through hell and back in the press, man. Let the woman kiss a pretty blond. I actually thought it was a smart move that showed she was still the same fun-loving Sandra Bullock we know from the moving pictures — silly and meaningless, like Ms. Congeniality or even, an innocent kiss between straight girls.

Now, the one part of your article I do agree with is:

And the next time MTV wants to be “shocking,” maybe it should try hooking up Dwayne Johnson and Mark Wahlberg.

But even that is flawed. Will Ferrell and Sascha Baron Cohen, two straight men, kissed at last year’s MTV Movie Awards. Just the other day, a basketball game Kiss Cam had hetero Jason Bateman tonguing old-hetero Dustin Hoffman.

Basically, let people kiss who they want, Newsweek. And, you dumb fucks, stop caring so much about it.

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