Happy Chanukkah: Top 5 Cute Jews From the Maccabeats Video

Listen, I went to a secular hedonistic homo-loving feel-goodery for college. I dated an Irish Catholic who I lived with IN SIN for two years. Turkey and cheese sandwiches complete me.

But I have to admit it. These Yeshiva University boys singing about Chanukkah are literally everything I want in a man.

I have resisted this type of guy for a long, long time. But I think there’s some kind of insane, innate switch in a Jewish girl’s bosom that, no matter how much she wants to rebel and date people who are different than her and experience the world or whatever, makes her turn to absolute mush around a dude with dark eyebrows and a yarmulke.

This Maccabeats acapella group is like porn for girls with Adam Brody fetishes. I’m also fully aware that all Jews know each other and I’m bound to be writing about someone’s cousin’s nephew’s brother who went to seminary with someone’s rabbi’s daughter, but whatever.

Let’s pick favorites (in no particular order):

5. Opening Jew

This Jew opens the whole video and what a wise choice that was. Shalom, opening Jew. I bet you’re that soft-spoken guy buried in this week’s Torah portion in the YU library every week night. Your girlfriend wears a long skirt and you guys live together with a cat named “Rabbi Akiva” or some shit. I bet you blush when you pass a Victoria’s Secret billboard. Come talk Torah to me, mmmm.

4. Bumbling Jew

Oh, I get it. You’re like, the funny one, right? So cute. Oh, you also spent some time in Israel on a Ramah seminar? You own like, 15 pairs of Teva sandals? I’m so turned on right now. Listen, I’ve got some Maneschevitz and a Sarah Silverman DVD at my place. Let’s head back, put on a Woody Allen movie and see what develops.

3. I Flip My Latkes In The Air Jew

Baruch hashem, I just want to put you in my pocket and carry you around forever. Your eyebrows, your yarmulke, your dance moves that you probably honed at all those United Synagogue Youth dances over the years. Be mine, please. Let’s take walks around Brooklyn and not hold hands until we’re married.

2. Ginger Jew

Your title makes you sound like a Pokemon — “A wild GingerJew appears!” “It uses Bagel Force!” “It’s super effective!” But you make this list because of your adorable, shy singing voice. Look at you. You don’t want to be in this crazy video. You want to be at synagogue, tutoring Bar Mitzvah students on their haftorahs. What a goddamn mensch.

1. Teddy Bear Jew

You don’t have any solos in the song but you look like a freaking Jew teddy bear with those sad droopy eyes. What’s eating you, Gilbert Grapeowitz? Did you burn your latkes? Destruction of the second temple got you down? Upset that you lost your copy of ‘The Chosen’? Come to mama.